Well, Bubby, we did it. And it was spectacular, my darling! Over a year of visioning, planning and building all came together last Saturday for Thor's Hammer Firefighter Games and Chili Cook-off. We rode high on a wave of love and shone the light of that love through our hearts for all to see. We brought Our Family Blessing to life and expanded the ranks of "family" to include everyone who came to share the day with us. It was perfect. It was humbling. It knocked my freaking socks off to see how much joy and love we generated in your memory, Thor. The resilience of the human heart to channel new pathways and transmute anguish and agony into something that bonds and shines is nothing short of astounding! We indeed are all blessed with grace to be able to offer our broken hearts up and ask…what can be done?...and then to do it.
So many people poured in to help; couldn't wait to help! People couldn’t wait to send donations of money and asked their local firehouses to send firehouse swag to give away. They jumped in and set up, cleaned, hauled, lifted, parked cars, tallied tickets, cooked chili, judged chili, ran the games, participated in the games, took photos, poured beers, served hotdogs, helped kids in the bounce houses, spun cotton candy and drizzled syrup over snow-cones, ran sound and played music; collectively each was host and guest simultaneously. In the words of St. Francis… It is in giving that we receive. We came together as a community inspired by love to celebrate our firefighters and were rewarded richly with hearts full of gladness and joy.
Most of that day I felt as if I was out of my body, much like during the night we had visitation at the funeral home when I hugged every single person that came through the line. I reserved nothing, held nothing back. The edges of "me" were expanded so far out that I could embrace everything and everyone. Your love, our love, shone through me like a million watt bulb. What was so beautiful to see, is that light shining back at me from the eyes of so many others, too.
I jumped up and down like a kid when the firetrucks started rolling in! Oh, Thor! Firetruck Row a-freaking-mazing! All those machines that we depend upon to help people in need lined up and gleaming in the sun was a sight to behold. The tower dad built with the flags flying in that bright blue September sky was an inspired centerpiece where much of the action of the games took place. The teams of firefighters competed all afternoon in the games, and as they did so, they laughed together, talked together, worked together. Cody brought down a team from JMU, and I was so thrilled to see these young folks so excited to be there! The Buckingham Four - Arvonia, Dillwyn, Glenmore and Toga all showed up in style and ready to rumble. It was so much fun to have everyone there, chilling between events in Thor's Hammer tee shirts and turnout pants, leaning on the trucks. Dillwyn and Toga went head to head to win Thor's Hammer in the end. Dillwyn VFD finished that timed event first and emerged the winner of the trophy. But really, every team that took the field were winners that day.
We got there early to let the chili cook-off contestants get started and the morning air smelled delicious and mouth-watering! I sampled it all! And they didn't disappoint. I thought it was awesome that Starr and Kaylee won the grand prize. Your Starr, Bubby. The winners got to go see Zac Brown Band in concert with us, so she'll be there along with her new man, Corey. He's a good man and is kind to Starr, but I worry about him feeling like he's always being compared to you. Watching the other people in your life move on with theirs comes with its own complement of heartache - and joy. I love them, too, and wish only the best. But damn, it's bittersweet to watch time roll on and not have you here.
As Thor's Hammer wound to a close, I got pretty darned tipsy (Xanny was tasked with taking care of drunk mom. Don't laugh! Okay, you can laugh a little.) It didn't take much as I was exhausted, expended, emotionally blown-out and elated all in the same breath. I hadn't accounted for the emotional intensity and the effect it would have on me. As the agony of your loss is in my heart always…I numbed the pain to keep moving. Eventually, the sun did set and it was time to go. I didn't want it to end. The energy and momentum of the day propelled me with a force that was so fast and intense, it would take days to ramp back down. You were so "present" all day that I didn't want to walk away. I wanted time to stop and leave me there in that expanded awareness and feeling your energy so close by. But my body certainly needed to rest and time is a relentless thing, so I left the field and waved goodbye to one of the most magnificent days I've ever seen. And while it may have been my idea and vision at the start, Thor's Hammer now belongs to all of us; everyone who loves you and to the community and firefighters you love.
That's the high of it. And it was oh, so high. And so vast and so breathtakingly beautiful and inspiring and full of awe was the whole experience. But still, at the heart of the matter, one terrible fact remains irrefutable and stubbornly, horribly true; you are dead. It blows my mind to think about how we wouldn't have done any of this if not for that. None of these connections, the togetherness, the fierce determination to change the question from "Why me?" to "What now?" would have come to pass. We would be elsewhere learning other lessons in how to love and live to our fullest potential. You would be here walking by our side in some different storyline. Would I be as fierce in my choice to live and to transform my heart's pain into a gift for the greater good? Would I have worked tirelessly for months on end if I didn't have the backdrop of tragedy to stage this against?
And so on Tuesday morning, three days after Thor's Hammer knocked my socks off, I found myself sobbing in the car on the way to work. I turned down the driveway to Nana's house and stumbled into the bedroom where I crawled into bed next to my mom and sobbed. All this beauty, love and amazingness was clashing starkly with the fact that you are still dead, my darling boy. I still cannot hold you. I cannot caress your hair, your cheek. I cannot console you over heartbreaks or advise you when your unsure of what to do next. I will never hear you say, "I love you, Mama." again. And so I cried and let myself be comforted by the sheltering arms of my mom.
The work of changing the question from "Why me?" to "What can be done?" is perpetual and unfolding in every moment in this life as a woman who has lost a beloved child. There is no break from it, there is nowhere to hide from it. I can only keep lifting my eyes to the horizon and asking for you to guide my steps into the next moment, hoping I can stay steady and keep growing in love. I pray for Grace to continue to rise like a wind under my wings to help me soar into the uncertainty of life with hope and joy in my heart. I pray that I am strong enough to keep saying, "yes" when the path is illumined before me, beckoning me to take another step. I pray that I continue to hear you in my heart encouraging me to stay melty and loving in a world that would force to me be sharp and pointed if I give in to fear.
Your dad and brothers and I will carry on, Thor. We remain here at the epicenter of the earthquake that rocked our family when you died. Together we are finding ways to both live on and to keep you alive along with us. Thor's Hammer is a gift to the world, born out of tragedy and love and imbued with hope for the greater good to be revealed.
That's the high of it. And it was oh, so high. And so vast and so breathtakingly beautiful and inspiring and full of awe was the whole experience. But still, at the heart of the matter, one terrible fact remains irrefutable and stubbornly, horribly true; you are dead. It blows my mind to think about how we wouldn't have done any of this if not for that. None of these connections, the togetherness, the fierce determination to change the question from "Why me?" to "What now?" would have come to pass. We would be elsewhere learning other lessons in how to love and live to our fullest potential. You would be here walking by our side in some different storyline. Would I be as fierce in my choice to live and to transform my heart's pain into a gift for the greater good? Would I have worked tirelessly for months on end if I didn't have the backdrop of tragedy to stage this against?
And so on Tuesday morning, three days after Thor's Hammer knocked my socks off, I found myself sobbing in the car on the way to work. I turned down the driveway to Nana's house and stumbled into the bedroom where I crawled into bed next to my mom and sobbed. All this beauty, love and amazingness was clashing starkly with the fact that you are still dead, my darling boy. I still cannot hold you. I cannot caress your hair, your cheek. I cannot console you over heartbreaks or advise you when your unsure of what to do next. I will never hear you say, "I love you, Mama." again. And so I cried and let myself be comforted by the sheltering arms of my mom.
The work of changing the question from "Why me?" to "What can be done?" is perpetual and unfolding in every moment in this life as a woman who has lost a beloved child. There is no break from it, there is nowhere to hide from it. I can only keep lifting my eyes to the horizon and asking for you to guide my steps into the next moment, hoping I can stay steady and keep growing in love. I pray for Grace to continue to rise like a wind under my wings to help me soar into the uncertainty of life with hope and joy in my heart. I pray that I am strong enough to keep saying, "yes" when the path is illumined before me, beckoning me to take another step. I pray that I continue to hear you in my heart encouraging me to stay melty and loving in a world that would force to me be sharp and pointed if I give in to fear.
Your dad and brothers and I will carry on, Thor. We remain here at the epicenter of the earthquake that rocked our family when you died. Together we are finding ways to both live on and to keep you alive along with us. Thor's Hammer is a gift to the world, born out of tragedy and love and imbued with hope for the greater good to be revealed.
Today, I'm resting in the chambers of the heart and listening for "what now?"
I love you to the moon and back, my boy. And I always will.
Mom
I love you to the moon and back, my boy. And I always will.
Mom
