Something happened as New Year's Eve tick-tocked past this year, marking two years that I've been grieving your death. Days, weeks, months of processing and learning to live with the fact that you are dead has transformed me. The first days of this journey were fraught with bewildered agony and utter devastation. The sun continued to rise and the seasons turned on their wheel, one melting into the next. The breath of life moved in and out of my lungs. My heart pumped, and my inner gaze, fixed on my heart, saw that the most significant work I could do in this life is to grow and learn and expand beyond what I thought possible. This is how I survive losing you, Thor.
I spent some time re-reading these letters I've sent to you. They are breadcrumbs that remind me of how far I've come and of compelling insights that came to me. I am grateful I took the time to write down the song of my heart in each moment and send it to you. But on the anniversary of your death, I read them over, and something shifted. The inner work I've been doing took a turn to a deeper place calling me to look more closely at life. Not death. Not grief. But life, and how it is being lived through me. I felt your presence change in nature to be less binary mother/son to one of a spirit guide and traveling companion. I heard a query in my heart asking me if I am ready to LIVE? It came to me in your voice.
For two years I did a lot of healing, seeking, listening, observing and praying. But was I LIVING? Had I hit the pause button at some point in my life, given up on living my dreams? All the intense inner work of processing the loss of my beloved firstborn brought me to a new place; one where I could set sail to live intentionally, with an open heart, vibrant with all the gifts gleaned these two years. So what was stopping me?
Your Aunt Radha turned me on to a beautiful exercise where you take time to write down all the things that are important and the quality of things you want in various areas of life; Relationships, Career, Vacations, Friends, Finance and so on. I listened to the man introduce the exercise and explain the reasoning and purpose of creating a life plan in this way. Then I started writing out my plan. As the practice went on, I became blocked and sad. The vision I had for my life was okay, it had all the aspects one would expect in a "good life plan." But it was non-specific and not actionable. My "goals" were more like lofty mission statements, not a blueprint for making something happen. I tried to think of things that were more grounded and specific, but nothing would come to me. What was keeping me from even dreaming the vision of the life I want? How come I couldn't see it, even in my mind's eye, let alone begin to manifest it with a plan?
I sat with this in meditation for a few days when another gift appeared. I was introduced to the concept of self-love being the key to first envisioning and then building the life I want to live. Okaaaayyyy…self-love. Now what? I know a few things about self-love, but really it's just the psychobabble stuff we all hear about self-esteem as teens and what not. I didn't feel that this was where I needed to look. Fortunately, a little book showed up about the same time. "Love Yourself Like Your Life Depended On It!", 60-ish pages of pure, first-hand experience on how learning to bring self-love to the equation can transform the inner dialogue. The internal dialogue is the one that governs my entire life experience and is the channel through which life manifests. What was my inner dialogue saying? What lies, truths, half-truths or alternate facts was I telling myself and why did I believe it?
Well, Bubby, this became a seriously deep dive into a whole-lotta-stuff. Recognition and remembrance of old hurts unintentionally inflicted by family, seriously bad bullying incidents at many of the schools I attended, questionable teen behavior that signaled deep pain and a desire for self-harm came floating to the surface of my mind. I discovered that I've been walking through life feeling like I was never adequate or good enough, feeling like I could never be loved. The crazy thing is that without grief beating me up for two years to soften me up I wouldn't have come to this place. I was able to dredge all this up, bringing it to the light of day where it could be examined and tested for truth. Where I could begin the journey toward self-love. I started with daily meditations attesting "I love myself." As this practice went on for a week or so, I felt there was some other work to do, too. I would need to embark on a journey of forgiveness. I had a whole lotta of forgiving to do, mostly forgiving myself for giving up on me. For causing hurt and harm to others as a result of hurting and harming myself. Holy shit…this was a deep ass hole. But you are here with me, Thor, walking alongside and cheering me on, helping me bravely face what was and what is and what will be.
We are so blessed to have a family that is willing, and even eager, to process and talk things out with each other. Nana and Grandpa helped shed some light on things. Perspective is important, perhaps more important than facts. The emotional lens we view things through is what creates our unique versions of the truth. If I can forgive whatever triggered the emotional response to the situation, I can reframe it with self-love and be free.
Life wants to be lived through me. It calls and beckons and dances before me in a dazzling array of possibilities. I have choices, too. I can choose to live life worried that I'm not enough, pushing and propelling myself forward out of fear that others will discover my obvious inadequacy. Or I can choose to live life knowing that I, like everyone around me, am enough and that we are all dancing our way through this world as sparks of the Divine - each one God's favorite.
Living face to face and heart to heart with grief, as an aspect of love has taught me much. But ultimately, I feel like it's time for grief to take a back seat as my great teacher so I can embrace and learn from the Master, Love. Grandpa gave me an excellent book that is the best book I've ever read on the subject, "Discovering Love" by Dayananda Saraswati. What grace to have all this help appear right when I need it!
My to-do list:
Till deeper earth. Plant seeds of love. Let life be lived through me, intentionally, joyfully.
Oh, my sweet boy! I love you, so! I miss you tons, and I know you know that I cry when I hear certain songs. My heart soars to greet you on the rays of a sunrise and on the wings of our crows that caw, good morning! Our story together is not over, it continues to unfold and flow and it will last for as long as there is Love to share.
Mom
