Good morning, Thor. I can hardly believe thirteen weeks have passed since that horrible night when our lives took a very sudden and sharp turn. You died, and we are left to carry on. Grief sweeps through my life taking me on a rough and wild ride to places I never knew existed, at least not in this life.
You loved the outdoors so much that when I'm outdoors soaking up and appreciating the natural world, I feel you are easy to reach. When I gaze into the bright blue bowl of the sky, I see your beautiful blue eyes, or when a hawk soars toward the sun, I recall proud Mama moments watching you fly high into your potential. Even the modest expression of little cowbirds at the feeders and dogwood blossoms bobbing on a breeze are natures echoes of the love I have for you, darling boy. When I take the dogs out walking, and the wind kicks up a little dust cloud on the road, I imagine it is you blowing me kisses to me from the other side.
In the mornings, I take the time to sink into the depth of my soul all the way to sense the connection to all - and therefore to you. I listen to kirtan singers chant ancient, holy names in songs offered in sacred prayer and surrender. Praying like this opens my heart more fully to the experience of knowing our collective state of being. We are all One. We are all one family. We are Divine Light and Love. My only job in this life is to awaken to this truth.
Snatam Kaur - Ong Namo
Like all the souls you sent here
Coming to this Earth
To find healing
Mother earth takes in the rain
Like your heart takes my voice
Let us free each other
With our prayers, with our voice
And I’m coming home
And I’m coming
Ong namo guru dev namo
Ong namo guru dev namo
Oh, my beloved
Kindness of the heart
Breath of life
I bow to you
Divine teacher
Beloved friend
I bow to you
Again and again
Lotus sitting on the water
Beyond time and space
This is your way
This is your grace
I talk to you through the divination of my intuitive self, and it is such a joy to feel you respond. The message is always the same, I tell you, "I love you!" It's all that matters now. I mean what is left to say? What happened here, has happened. Wishing for something else is natural, but the path to healing is not in regret and wishful thinking. The only hope this heart has to heal is for it to burst wide open - even more - and for it to stay that way; open and receptive to the abundant gifts of the Universe.
I had noticed that when I start my day with the mundane routine of the old life before you died, it is a recipe for depression and desolation set their hooks. Shuffling out to the couch and clicking on the news with coffee in hand while mindlessly scrolling social media just sets me up for a downward spiral that ends with me being in abject misery. When I start my day with mindfulness, meditation, prayer and song not only do I feel better, but I feel YOU here with me.
You are beckoning, calling and encouraging me to be brave now, when I am most vulnerable. It's like you and I stood on a cliff and looked at the water below. Who would dive in first? Who would take the plunge into the realm of expanded awareness for the sake of pushing the rest of us to grow?
You did. You did a double-back flip cannonball right into that deep water. The splash startled me out of my poolside sunbathing siesta, my preoccupied hectic life. At first, I sputtered and, frankly, was pretty pissed off. As these weeks have passed and grief has pushed, pulled, torn and shoved me, I am worn down and weary. The bleeding has stopped, and the torn pieces of my heart are beginning to knit together with silver strands of scar tissue. Dark bruises mark my being; they are black all the way to the core but there now is a yellowish tinge on their edges. Healing is happening, by Grace and with time, what felt dead in me is being resurrected.
At this juncture, it is important that my intention for living a conscious and purposeful life is declared. It is time to reclaim the power I turned away from for manufactured busyness and false importance. I am laying the foundation for the new path. And now, when I sit in quiet contemplation I can hear you telling me to take heart. "Come on in, Mama, the water is fine." You remind me why we're on this planet. We are here to be immersed in and to emit love. It's not an easy road, but it is the path to real joy and bliss. My one consolation as I take these first tentative steps into a new understanding is that you are walking with me.
I had noticed that when I start my day with the mundane routine of the old life before you died, it is a recipe for depression and desolation set their hooks. Shuffling out to the couch and clicking on the news with coffee in hand while mindlessly scrolling social media just sets me up for a downward spiral that ends with me being in abject misery. When I start my day with mindfulness, meditation, prayer and song not only do I feel better, but I feel YOU here with me.
You are beckoning, calling and encouraging me to be brave now, when I am most vulnerable. It's like you and I stood on a cliff and looked at the water below. Who would dive in first? Who would take the plunge into the realm of expanded awareness for the sake of pushing the rest of us to grow?
You did. You did a double-back flip cannonball right into that deep water. The splash startled me out of my poolside sunbathing siesta, my preoccupied hectic life. At first, I sputtered and, frankly, was pretty pissed off. As these weeks have passed and grief has pushed, pulled, torn and shoved me, I am worn down and weary. The bleeding has stopped, and the torn pieces of my heart are beginning to knit together with silver strands of scar tissue. Dark bruises mark my being; they are black all the way to the core but there now is a yellowish tinge on their edges. Healing is happening, by Grace and with time, what felt dead in me is being resurrected.
At this juncture, it is important that my intention for living a conscious and purposeful life is declared. It is time to reclaim the power I turned away from for manufactured busyness and false importance. I am laying the foundation for the new path. And now, when I sit in quiet contemplation I can hear you telling me to take heart. "Come on in, Mama, the water is fine." You remind me why we're on this planet. We are here to be immersed in and to emit love. It's not an easy road, but it is the path to real joy and bliss. My one consolation as I take these first tentative steps into a new understanding is that you are walking with me.
Snatam Kaur - Long Time Sun
May the Long Time Sun
Shine upon you
All love surround you
And the pure light within you
Guide your way on
Guide your way on
I hope you enjoy the songs today, my Beloved. They are not the country music you enjoyed so much here on Earth, but they lift my heart out of the ashes and into a place of peace, even as my eyes shed endless tears from the well of grief.
I love you,
Mom
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