For Thor - 51 - Keeping it Real

I have a new companion, and his name is Death. I reckon he's been around me since I drew breath almost 51 years ago, but I only became acutely aware of his icy presence on December 31 when his bony fingers reached out and snatched you away from us. I know Death is everywhere, as pervasive as life, keeping things in balance. And I've experienced the appearance of Death in my life before, but never like this.

When our elders pass on after a life well-lived we miss them, it's true. When death calls our wizened and aged ones home, we celebrate those long and full lives. We come together to offer tribute to our closest ancestors as they pass into that ethereal realm and take up the mantle of carrying on their names and legacies.

When Death insinuates itself into Life in a surprise, sneak attack to steal you away before you even have a chance manifest your dreams, it feels flat out wrong. When you died before your life was lived, I sparked with indignant outrage! "How dare you take my boy!" I yell into the silent maw of the deepest parts of my being hoping that there will be an answer, an accounting or some God damned assurance that it unfolded as it was supposed to. "I did everything I could to keep him safe and help him grow to be a good man. The kind of man we want to keep on the planet! And now he's gone!" These are the agonizing thoughts, the ones that keep this wound raw and bleeding. They crop up from time to time to torment me anew and spin me into bouts of tears and pain.

Thankfully, I am mindfully open to what grief and sorrow have to show. I see and feel more than the anger and the agony. Beyond, beneath and behind the outrage of my traumatized mother's heart is a newly crystalized awareness. I am keenly aware that each moment could be the last. I feel like I walk around with Death's fingers ever on my shoulder, a specter that shadows my every move. I can't shake the feeling, the knowing, that each breath I draw is expressly a gift of Grace. At any time and for no reason at all, Death can call anyone of us away from this field of play, this life.

This awareness is admittedly a little creepy, and it sometimes spawns anxiety. I worry for the safety of your brothers and dad. I send prayers for protection to encompass your cousins and friends. I have to breathe through this fear to help me remember that nothing has changed. The daily risks any of us take are still here. Driving to work on Hwy 20 is just as safe as it ever was. Xan riding his bike is just as safe as it ever was. Chaz walking to work is just as safe as he ever was. Only now, I have a heightened sense that Death is very much in play - and always has been in play. When I settle in and remember that nothing has changed except for my awareness of the possibility of death, I can let go of the gripping fear, and I can even flip it. I can refocus my attention to tap-in and feel sincere gratitude for all that is, in each moment. I am forced to remain hyper-focused on the gifts engendered in each nanosecond of life, because I know, all too well, how fleeting they are.

Yesterday I had the delicious pleasure and honor of visiting some friends who just had their first baby. The sweet energy and love of welcoming a new life into a family are one of the most beautiful experiences in life. I rocked the baby in my arms, and my heart bloomed, spilling over with poignant love. I remembered holding you, Thor. I remembered those first few days of utter bliss blended with utter exhaustion. I tapped back into that very moment when you and I looked into each other's eyes, and we saw each other. I felt you with me, my angel, surrounding that moment, that memory with perfect joy.

I held that new precious life with same hands that bore and lost a dear son, with the awareness of all that transpired inside of me since that horrible day. Right then, I knowingly witnessed the encompassing and coupled natures of Birth, Life, and Death. I knew, really knew, that each one is here, with us in each breath, playing its role. They are the warp and weft of our existence, creating the very framework upon which we weave our lives. One cannot exist without the other.

Timing still bothers me. I still hate it that you left us after only 19 years. I still want you here with us for more time. I wished that could hold your baby in my arms, a first grandchild for your dad and me. Regret over lost hopes and dreams yields bitter tears. And as angry as I am that you are gone, I know now that Death is and always has been in its rightful place in existence; the primordial counterpart of life, the price we each pay for living. Each breath is a gift, a treasure to be used to enrich, enhance, enliven and enlighten the world. Where will I invest that treasure? Where will spend the coin of Life while that currency flows? Who are my investment partners and what are the expected outcomes for a life well-lived?

Your short life was a testament to how to do this right. You gave all. You laughed loudly. You befriended all. You released pettiness and judgment. You were humble and kind, never boasting or bragging, just quietly going about the day spreading your unique brand of joy, love and goodness. So when Death came stealing in the night and swept you into the other room, the memory of the impact you had on us all is what remains.

I've been listening to Zac Brown Band, again. Well, a lot, actually. This week the words to "Remedy" run incessantly in my mind, a welcome earworm to encourage me to ponder…

"Remedy"
https://youtu.be/6_-G6YvOPpg

I've been looking for a sound
That makes my heart sing
Been looking for a melody
That makes the church bells ring
Not looking for the fame
Or the fortune it might bring
In love, in music, in life

Jesus preached the golden rule
Buddha taught it too
Gandhi said eye for an eye
Makes the whole world go blind
With a little understanding
We can break these chains that we've been handed
I've got the medication
Love is the remedy

Pray to be stronger and wiser
Know you get what you give
Love one another
Amen (amen), amen

I've been thinking about the mark
That I'll be leaving
Been looking for a truth
I can believe in
I got everything I need
Let this heart be my guide
In love, in music, in life

I'm not saying I'm a wise man
Heaven knows there's much that I'm still finding
Making my way down this winding road
Holding on to what I love
Yeah, and leaving the rest behind
For love, for music, for life

Pray to be stronger and wiser
Know you get what you give
Love one another
(Love is the remedy)

We're all in this world together
Life's a gift that we have to treasure
Happiness, now that is the measure
Love is the remedy
(Love is the remedy)

Everyone can be forgiven
One love and one religion
Open up your heart and listen
Love is the remedy

Pray to be stronger and wiser
And know you get what you give
God is love one another
Amen, amen, amen!

Isn't that a great song? It uplifts my heart so much even when it makes me cry.

So, with Life coursing through my veins, Love blooming in my heart and with the ever-present specter of Death on my shoulder reminding me to keep it real and focused on the fleeting nature of this life, I continue to learn to walk anew in the world. It's good to have you as my angel guide, sweetness. I am grateful to feel you near as I find the way.

What a trip, Thor. Mind = blown, for real.

I love you,
Mom