For Thor - 55 - Wheel of Love

On December 31, 2015, a Thursday, at approximately 9:45 pm your heart stopped. Last night we observed the six-month mark of your Earth death, Thor. June 30, a Thursday, at 9:45 my heart broke all over again. I looked at pictures of you as a baby and young boy. I have to tell you, that as fine of a man as you grew to be, I will always think of you as my precious little bundle of love, my Bubby.

And I just want my Bubby back, you know. And I cried my eyes out for a while over that. Eventually, the tears slowed, and I settled into a contemplative state. I reached out with my senses to feel you. Sometimes I hold out my hand, and I sense your hand in mine. You've been hanging around a lot the past week or two. I know you're always here, but you've been making some effort to let us KNOW you're here. It's a huge comfort to me. And when I get to crying too long or get too sad, that's when you tend to make a big splashy entrance; like making my car dial your phone number over and over.

Anyhow, I got to thinking about the universe and time and the wheel of the year and specifically about this first year, peppered with milestones. The cosmos is full of bodies in motion, nothing is still or changeless, everything moves, dances, spins, floats, sails, caroms and even explodes in a spectacular display of light and energy. We are just tiny pieces of that show, doing our best to shine some light and make a difference. We establish references and relationships to our environment. We are on the planet, the planet spins day into night and revolves around the sun to birth the seasons. There is a circular motion to our existence, easily envisioned as a wheel. The Wheel of the Year for most people only marks the equinoxes and solstices, like Stonehenge.

For me, it's become something else altogether. When you died that was the beginning, this is the large stone in the center of my new Wheel. And the wheel has many aspects depending on the work before me. It is the Wheel of Grief and also the Wheel of Learning to Live Again, of Cherished Memories, of Sacred Tears, of Milestones that Matter, of Gratitude and Forgiveness. It is the Wheel of Love. Each day dawns to find me in a different position relative to your last day. Life moves on, I move on, but I have a new reference point in the center of the wheel; you, your life, your love and your death.

Right now is the apogee, the farthest part of the arc of the wheel before we begin to turn toward marking the first anniversary. We've come through so many milestones already, birthdays and holidays, turning of the seasons, friends' graduations and weddings, each one tugs at my heart and stings my eyes with bitter tears. I think, "You should be here." And you are, I know. But it's not the same.

I walked around in a triggered state for two weeks now. While I was freaked out about your brothers, well-being, that doesn't sufficiently explain the depth of how I feel. There is credence to this six-month marker, this half-way point in our first-year circumnavigation of your death. It is a call to reflect on how far I've come and to remember how much love we have. It is a time to soften and open my heart to where this journey leads and the insight gained. It's a reminder to bravely embrace the pain and learn the lessons, to sink deep inside and shine a light on my personal fears. Six months later I am so much stronger, but not in the way I ever expected to be strong. I am strong in vulnerability. My feet are planted in the richer ground of Universal Love even as my eyes look to the stars in wonder.  How did I get here?

Every day I say Our Family Blessing. I feel it working on me, changing my being, strengthening my resolve to remain open-hearted and loving. It is a beautiful gift that bonds our tribe more closely than ever, and that includes you, Thor.

We've come so far, but the road stretches on forever. I'm grateful, beyond words, to know you're here with me especially when we come upon these milestones that turn my awareness inward. The wellspring of grief seems to have an endless supply of tears for me to shed. As they fall from my eyes, I imagine them turning into crystal-winged butterflies that carry my love to you.

Oh, my sweet, I miss you so.
Mom