For Thor - 65 - A Gift from Thor

Today is 9/11. I remember this day fifteen years ago when I sent you and Chaz with our friend Linda to join in the weekly homeschool co-op in a nearby town in western Pennsylvania. Your brother Xan was just two weeks old, and we had just celebrated your fifth birthday at Mimi and Pap's house. You got a go-kart and were over the moon!

I settled on the sofa to cuddle your little brother, watching the end of Good Morning America when the usual signing-off banter suddenly stopped, and they played that first video of a plane striking the North Tower. We watched in horror and tried to make sense of what we were seeing; the speculation ranged from it being a misguided military plan to being a disabled plane that crashed to being a full-on attack. We didn't know about the other flights in motion. We didn't know that our nation was under attack. But the hairs on my neck stood on end as I sensed the horrible truth.

When the second plane struck, the reality of what we were seeing clunked into place. I immediately picked up the phone and called Nana in Virginia to find out where, exactly, in NYC was your Aunt Radha and Aunt Poorna, who lived there. Nana had already clicked off her morning news and started her workday. They didn't know anything was happening. I told them to turn on the television and CALL RADHA! CALL POORNA!

Meanwhile, we got reports of other planes across the skies crashing like missiles into targets. Your dad worked in downtown Pittsburgh, and when news came through of Fight 93 that crashed in Shanksville, they were going to close all the tunnels and bridges which would have stranded your dad at work fifty miles away. I called and told him that America was under attack and that he needed to get home, now!

I put Xan in the car and headed out to the homeschool co-op. I wanted my family to be together. If the world was going to blow-up, it was going to happen with us all holding each other. I ran into that school building, tears streaming down my face and found Linda. I told her "We are under attack!" and I shared what I knew at that point. I gathered you boys up and went back home, counting the minutes until your dad walked in that door.

I was glued to the television talking to Nana as she watched, too, when the first tower fell. Our hearts fell with it. We still hadn't heard from Aunt Radha. Her subway stop, her office, her friends, and co-workers were all right there - her place of work just a block away from the towers. Had she been caught in the rubble? Had she even made it to work when the collapse happened? Did she get stuck in the subway? We couldn't find out anything since all the phone lines were overwhelmed with traffic, much of it from the doomed individual souls spending a few moments on the phone to say farewell to loved ones as the horrible truth was made clear; these would be their last moments on this earth.

We eventually got word from Aunt Poorna and Aunt Radha. They had a scary story to tell, one that gives me chills to think about. Aunt Radha was lucky. After being trapped in her building by debris and the dust cloud, she and others from her building made their way through the basement to emerge on the opposite side of the structure. She and Aunt Poorna joined the parade of gray-walkers, those people who staggered, hollow-eyed and shell-shocked out of Manhattan and away from Ground Zero covered in the ashes of the fallen.

That day gutted us and galvanized us, too. We grieved, together. We cried, together. We shook with fear as the illusion of security was revealed to be just that, an illusion. But we resolved to carry-on even if we were afraid. We united and reconnected as a nation out of one of the darkest days in our history.

How do we recognize darkness? It is the absence of light that allows us to appreciate even the subtlest rays of moonlight. How do we recognize a blessing? It is because we have known the hunger and thirst driven by hardship and strife. How do we know love? It is because we have felt the utter cold of being bereft and feeling alone. How do we know faith? It is because we have experienced the terror of fear. Without contrast, we cannot comprehend that Grace. Sometimes these darkest moments are what sets the stage for real transformation.

Out of the darkness emerges the seedling of hope, light, truth, love and joy. Living through the hardest times pushes us beyond our human limitation so we may experience Divine Grace. We must allow our hearts to break so that they are no longer too small to contain the blessings of life; blessings that are so vast it defies comprehension. But even more than that, we need to be grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow, to see and make changes, to be trusting and faithful.

Nine months ago, my life plunged into darkness. My heart shattered, and my world blew up. When you died, that single moment changed me, sending me on a new trajectory. For the rest of my life, I'll carry the wound of losing you, and this makes me vulnerable in new ways. I could walk in fear; the fear of death, the fear of loss, the fear of living at the mercy of Life. But I choose to turn toward love and compassion. I wish to embrace and allow room for blessings to take root, grow and blossom in my heart. Like sunflowers rooted firmly in the dark earth that reach for the sun, I allow Grace and Love to overshadow fear and doubt.

This past spring several of the women in the family came together to do the work of picking up the pieces of our shattered hearts to seek a path forward out of the rubble and into the Light. We had been given a gift from you in the form of a posthumous message that came through a friend of ours. In this message, you challenged us to use the tragedy of your death to learn to love even more. You invited us to allow our sorrow to create a heart opening through which we could bring more goodness and light into the world. You reminded us that our family could more fully express the divine light that shines through us all. Then you told us that our family is an energy base that needs a charge, and that we could do that by experiencing this new heart opening. And you said that this heart opening is open and inclusive; it is for anyone who wishes to embrace and share LIGHT, it is for anyone who wants to cultivate a state of being that allows for a greater experience of LOVE. It is an opportunity to live fully, fearless, trusting, loving and free.

But how to do that? How do we take such a Call-to-Action and turn it into something that we can embrace and integrate into our lives? I remembered a beautiful wisdom-sharing experience I had participated in before you were born. The Native American Medicine Wheel provides a profound means for us to explore and express collaboratively for the benefit of all. We came together for weekly for a couple of months as we examined a single question from the multiple "lodges" or perspectives -- represented as the cardinal directions on a Medicine Wheel. The center of the Wheel represents the clear sky and access to Spirit, God or the Universe (as each of us sees fit). The East, where the sun rises is the place to illuminate an issue, to shine the light of the sun upon it and talk about it. The South is the lodge of youth and strength where we consider our question through the eyes of a child or a young person. As the Wheel moves into the West, we turn inward in contemplation of the emotions. How do we FEEL about the question? Swinging North we begin to take all that we have learned in the previous lodges to form an action plan. The final lodge in the North-East is where we determine - unanimously - if the action decided is beneficial not only for us but for seven generations to come.

We first had to home in on our question which we formed together. "We choose to reconnect from our individual vantage points. Like facets of a crystal, we radiate LIGHT together. How does this look?" This is what we carried around the Wheel from week to week, through the Lodges and visualizations to gain insight into how we can walk into the heart and shine LIGHT. From the perspective of strengthening the family "base", it was clear that we are like a crystal, with many facets that through which light shines brightly. It is when we spiritually and energetically connect to that base, allowing that divine light to shine through us, that the crystal's illuminating strength multiplies. We shine brighter together, but individual gifts are important, too. We just have to envision reconnecting to that source of life that we all share to discover how easy it is to shine collectively in light and love.

Since contrast often helps us see what we are looking for, we explored the concept of connection through the lens of being disconnected. How had we drifted apart? What keeps us together? What makes us feel trusting or not trusting in the family? What is needed to stay steady in connection? How can we remain uniquely "us" and still be part of the whole? What are the blockers to trusting and forgiveness? How can we be more compassionate? Let me tell you what, Thor; this was one of the most moving experiences of my life. Perhaps because my heart is so wide open from grief, I can dive deeply into these questions and answer them with total honesty.

At one point it became apparent that creating a prayer or blessing would be a goal of the Medicine Wheel work. We already know that saying a blessing together has great uniting and empowering strength. Ours is a family that holds hands and prays. Writing a new blessing out of the directives shared from you could help us experience a more loving, real and compassionate way to live. It could lift us up if we are feeling weak, reconnecting us to the energy base of the group. It could, as blessings are proven to do, transform our lives and the lives of those around us.

We carefully selected each word, weighing them all and agreeing, unanimously, before moving on. Each line and couplet were read, felt and considered through the insights learned in the Wheel and lens of seven generations to come. We felt that future generations might be agnostic or atheistic or Buddhist or Christian or Hindu or maybe something entirely new that we don't even now of, yet. The Blessing needed to be universal and compelling, truthful and engaging. It needed to represent the momentous circumstances through which we created it; your death and the surge of sorrow and love that swept through our family core. More than a rallying cry and memorial, the blessing is offered as an expression of our love for you, your life and the lasting legacy you've invited us to take up.

We kept The Blessing private for a while to give us a chance to say it individually. We wanted to roll it around on our tongues and feel it's truth before we shared it widely with others. It is a gift granted out of the darkest hour of my personal life, and one of the darkest times for the whole family. It gently shines a light on the path forward out of the agony of sorrow and into the LIGHT for anyone who wishes to use it. We shared it, officially, with the family as we gathered on your birthday. We held hands on the top of the hill with the breeze blowing sweetly through the photos of your life. We said The Blessing together for the first time, all of us who were there. I felt you there, so strongly.










We created it with love and tears, out of hope and sorrow. The beating hearts of the women of the family used the pieces of our shattered hearts to create this blessing like a quilt, each one offering a treasure from the depths of our souls to lend vibrant truth to the Whole.

I have been saying this Blessing, which is definitely a gift from you, every day, several times a day for months now. It brings me comfort. It empowers me in moments of weakness. It reminds me that I am not alone, that I am part of a vast and beautiful Creation that is part of the Divine. It reminds me to be edgeless and melty in the world because there are enough sharp edges that cut and divide. Being melty came out of the Medicine Wheel as we shared how soft and loving we felt in the weeks after your death. We melted into long hugs from this vulnerable place in our hearts. The Blessing reminds me of the love shared with you, Thor, and with our family, extended family, earth family, and universal family.

Today is 9/11, fifteen years later and I am heartsore remembering that day. I am still heartsore from your first angel birthday just a few days ago. What better time to share a blessing that is purposely created to help us find our way into the LIGHT, than when the darkness draws close?

How do we know the LIGHT? We recognize its brilliance best when we've been in submerged in complete darkness.

Wherever you are, Bubby, here it is. I think of you whenever I say it, and I know you are close.



Our Family Blessing
~A Gift from Thor


With a great, full heart for all that is,
We are thankful for our many blessings.

We choose to reconnect
from our individual vantage points.
Like facets of a crystal,
We radiate LIGHT together.

With our feet firmly planted,
We are present and aware.

From our authentic state of Being,
With Love and open hearts
we find compassion to forgive
ourselves and others.

We aspire to be melty,
Allowing us to be
trusting, vulnerable, humble and kind.

In Service of the Highest Good,
Aho!




I love you,
Mom