For Thor - 49 - In the Other Room

The rain continues to fall. The earth is plump. All the cracks are filled in. Seedlings gently push through dark humus to emerge into the fresh air, their potential unfurled, reaching out to greet each new day. The app on my phone says this is the last of the long rainy spell. Sun and heat will return tomorrow making this the last day in my weather-driven retreat. I am grateful for the extended time afforded to me; contemplation and processing take longer these days. There is more busyness, now. There is more to do that needs my attention. Then there is the whole notion of learning to be me in the new paradigm; the one where you have taken up residence in another realm and I have a new scar on my heart.

A few months ago a beautiful message came to us through a friend who can do these things. It was clearly a message from you, and it included a call to action for me and all of our family. You threw down the gauntlet, daring us to pick it up and accept the challenge; Be aware of our purpose here. We are meant to LOVE and share LIGHT unconditionally. Messages that come from the angels should never be taken lightly. And messages that come from my personal angel who was so very recently my flesh and blood son, well, you can bet I'm going to take that challenge.

I wasn't sure at first how to get this message shifted into action, and it was clear that the message was for the whole family. One day as I read and reread the message from you, I swear I heard you say "Medicine Wheel." I knew at once this was the answer, to call the women of the family together into the sacred circle handed down to us from our Native American ancestors. We would offer this query from our hearts and process it together through the lodges of a Medicine Wheel. Aunt Sumati and Nana and I had all participated in Medicine Wheel work in years past. In the tumultuous years of child-rearing and general survivalism the wisdom and power of The Wheel had been forgotten. To return to it now, with my heart smashed to smithereens, when we are all processing the deep, lasting, effect of your death, Thor, it's nothing short of perfect.

And so we convened and completed the work of the Wheel over seven weeks. The beauty, power, wisdom, honesty, humility, humor and bravery expressed by all the women as we moved step, by step, together, from lodge to lodge asking, How does it look to radiate LIGHT and love? We felt your presence there with us, my darling son. There are times when I can feel your wings wrap around me as you whisper into my ear so only my heart can hear, "I Love you, Mom. Keep doing the work. Stay open. Show up. I am right here, helping, every step of the way."

We came up with a plan that we all vowed to do our best to enact. No matter what happens with it, I know that my heart has grown softer, sweeter and more trusting as a result. They say, be the change you want to see in the world. At least, I know we are doing that much.

Another message came to us, too. Someone asked the revered Guru, Dada Vaswani, how a mother who suddenly lost a son could learn to live, again. Nana and Grandpa along with several others in the family were there to hear this in person, and they knew they had to share it with me. The answer to that question shot straight to my heart. He said that first we must understand the nature of death. No one ever dies. The living part of each of us is alive forever! All that changes is the form. When the form here changes, it's as if that soul only moves into another room. Then he quoted Jesus from the Book of John 14:2, "My Father's house has many mansions." So, you've slipped into the other room, eh?

Meditating on this over the past week or so has shifted the grief for me. When it shifted, my body had a visceral response; I got so sick. My stomach purged, and intestines flushed, I spiked a fever and had to go to bed. It was like preparing for labor. In the aftermath of that short, but intense physical clearing, I feel you, there, in the other room. I can reach out to you and sense your presence, much like I know your brothers are in their room when I am in mine, out of sight, but very much in my awareness.

When I watched the video of Dadaji, he told a story to illustrate his point. The fact that the story featured Sharada Devi, for whom Sri Gurudev named me, simply added to its power, personalizing it so pointedly. Sharada Devi was grieving over the death of her husband and was about to strike a hammer to break the ivory bangles on her wrists. A sign of mourning in India, at that time. As the story continued, I didn't hear Dada's voice any longer, I heard yours. "Sharada! Sharada! What are you doing? (her husband had manifested before her and asked as she was about to hit her bangles) I am alive! I have not died; I've only left the room!" You've only left the room.

I didn't want you to leave this room. Part of me yelled, "What was so wrong with this room that you couldn't stay?" But it's not that something was wrong. You just had to go. I don't know why, only that you did.

The story of the life you had here, in the form of Thor, my son, is over. That story was only nineteen years long. It was a good and beautiful story. Full of love and life and laughter. Full of friends and joy and heartache, too. Light shined brightly through those beautiful blue eyes, and your big heart moved you to care for so many people. The ending of a gorgeous story is what we mourn. Not having new memories to share is what we grieve. What I see now is that the story, your story, is continuing. Your time here with us was a chapter, not the whole book. I don't know when or where or how, but I know I'll see you again. We'll get another chance to dance in the kitchen and smile knowingly into each other's eyes. Our souls are connected, so we can always find each other.

Not too long ago in our history, when a person decided to move west, across the ocean or the plains, it was very likely they would never see their family again. The journey was so arduous and long made it a one-way trip. In my mind, you've gone pioneering, taking the point, scoping out the way and blazing a trail. You send us messages through many means to let us know that you are well and to help us to stay on the path of Light.

With love and an open heart,
Mom