For Thor - 34 - The Day I Found Out...

It was a day very much like today - and maybe even exactly twenty years ago this week - that my life changed. Dad was off to work at the crack of dawn with his lunch pail packed and a hot breakfast in his belly. I had not been feeling well, so I went back to sleep for a while. Eventually, the early spring air beckoned me, and I headed upstairs to Nana's house for tea and some girl-talk. Aunt Sumati and Aunt Lakshmi were already there along with Swami Sarvaananda.

Morning coffee with Nana and my sisters is something to behold and is a treasured part of my life. We, collectively, are the beating heart of the family and all the branches. We laugh and cry together. We help each other work through the hard things that come our way. We make plans for gardens and share recipes for the latest all-natural homemade lip balm. It is a soul-enriching two or three hours that on occasion has stretched to become a lunch event.

On this particular morning, I found my sisters already draped across the furniture, sipping warm drinks from their mugs. The aroma of slightly burned toast and scrambled tofu & veggies lingered in the air. Nana greeted me with her patented warm Nana-hug and immediately offered me a drink and some breakfast.

I said yes, to the tea and no to the breakfast. I just wasn't feeling it and as a matter of fact, it was making me feel queasy again.  So I took my tea and joined the ladies on the sofas. Your cousins were there, little Mahi and Rani were playing. Aunt Lakshmi was pregnant with Madhuri.

We chatted as usual about all kinds of things, mainly baby talk since there was so much of that going around. Breastfeeding and weight-gain or loss and fitness routines were favorite topics. Like I said, girl talk.

The morning rolled toward mid-day, and the question of food came up. Aunt Sumati asked if I'd like to go with them to Lovingston Café for lunch. I was putting towels away in the hall closet and hollered back to her over my shoulder that I didn't think I would and that I had been feeling a little queasy. I didn't think a ride on Hwy 56 over the hills and around the curves would do me any good, and neither would a pile of nachos.

When I came back into the living room, Sumati and Lakshmi were both peering at me with eyebrows raised. The started peppering me with questions. How long I'd been feeling queasy? Was I off-schedule for my period? How were my boobs, were they big? Did they hurt? You know, more girl talk. I hadn't thought about it, I mean not even a little bit. Dad and I weren't planning for a baby, but we weren't stopping one, either. Gosh, could it be? The thoughts ran through my mind and must have shown on my face because Aunt Lakshmi declared loudly just before she and Sumati fell into near hysterical giggles…"You are soooo pregnant!"

By now, Nana was in on the action nodding her head knowingly and grinning from ear to ear. She offered me some crackers. And Grandpa, having come in from the office for lunch overheard the conversation, so he was in on it, too. He mentioned that he'd been having baby dreams, again. (A sign we Metro women have all come to respect, mind you.) A decree was made, we needed confirmation of possible baby/motherhood, and we needed it now! So we all (Grandpa, Nana, Sumati, Sarvaananda, and Mahi piled in Grandpa's old blue Volvo station wagon. Lakshmi drove Rani, Radha, Gopal and Poorna) made our way to Lovingston - over the hills and around the curves - in search of a pregnancy test and lunch. They assured me that by the time we got to Lovingston that I would feel like eating. And since the ladies in our family were experts at not only detecting but also in managing pregnancy, I believed them.

I just love our family, Thor. I mean it was a freaking Wednesday or something and the notion that we wouldn't ALL go to the store with me to get a pregnancy test in the middle of the day never crossed our minds. The tribe would go together and then have a pre-celebratory lunch since everyone already suspected the results of that test.

We got back home, and I nervously peed on that little stick. Hope was already alive in my heart and I prayed for a positive sign. I asked the family to wait for the news so that I could share it with your dad, first. Then we would confirm what everyone already knew; there was going to be a new member of the family, one that would define your dad and me anew. We would embark on a new adventure as a family. I would become a mom because of you, sweet boy.

I can tell you the whole time I carried you was magical.  It was full of beauty, love, goodness and life. We lived in a sweet little house, surrounded by woods that had a garden. Birds and countless little critters entertained us. Life was simple, pleasant and full of anticipation.  I sewed curtains and planted pansies.  I canned jelly and salsa with the bounty from our garden. Dad and I took long walks together in the evenings and talked about all the dreams we had for our life and you. We picked out names - one for a boy and one for a girl. We planned a home birth with a dear midwife and prepared ourselves for what that meant.

If I had to pick a single time of my life when things were just perfect, it would be the time I carried you and the whole first year of your life. It was transformational and exciting to me - even sleep deprivation and the uncertainty of being a new parent didn't matter. I fell so deeply in love with you and even more so with your dad that it surprised me. I didn't know love could be like that. I've had many, many wonderful times as love and life expanded me over the years. The birth of your brothers, each one bringing me to a new found depth of love.

I feel that lately, I've lost myself along the way, Thor. I got wrapped up in things that pulled me away from what is important. I let the squabbling of the world into my inner landscape and gave it say in how I live and where I focus my life's energy. What was it about that time, about ME, that made those months so perfect? What was I doing, thinking, saying… how was I that made the experience so sublime? This is what I need to remember as I move forward now.

Twenty years ago this week I got the best news of my life. I would be your mom. If I knew then what I know now, that we would only get to have you with us for nineteen years, I would still do it. Even knowing that pain of losing you would come, it wouldn't matter to me. The nineteen years I had of being your mom is one of the best things that ever happened to me. You are always and forever my first son and my one and only shining, Thor.

I love you so very much,

Mom