For Thor - 35 - New Edges

Oh boy, Thor. Getting back into the world is going to be harder than I thought it would be. I find have agreed to things I used to do and then discover I don't have the capacity to handle the unpredictable nature of life as it unfolds around me. Sometimes, it seems, I have to find these new limitations the hard way; I hit them head-on or fall off of them, like a cliff, to splatter on the rocks below. There is no warning sign "Steep Drop-off Ahead" to tell me to slow down or be cautious as I feel my way back into the world. One moment there is what passes for solid ground under my feet (as solid as it gets these days), and the next I am hurled, free-falling into the abyss. 

To make matters worse, the tools I usually rely upon to be able to protect myself as I navigate the buffeting, loud, chaotic and sometimes dangerous exterior world are not available to me. They, along with so many of my usual go-to skills, have been rendered inaccessible. So, yeah, getting back into the swing of things is not going to be as easy as I thought it was. I had a notion (maybe a hope?) that I would be able to ease back into the harness and gradually learn to pull the weight of my life, again. I would resume friendships where they left off. I would pick up the thread where I had dropped it on that tragic day.  Maybe it’s just too soon. Maybe I tried to do too much, too quickly. Even so, I know that no matter how much time goes by, I am forever altered. There is no coming back to be the same me that was, because I died the day you died, Thor. My heart may still be beating, air is moving in and out of my lungs, but that me from before December 31, joined you in death. I must be resurrected from the ashes left in the wake of your passing. One day, I'll be raised from the bandages and eased with gentleness and love back into the light of day. But first, I have to find all the pieces, reassemble them and give them time to knit back together.

To do this, I need to feel out the edges and draw a map to mark the cliffs that define the new limits of what I can handle.

I have gained yet another expanded awareness, now that I have discovered a cliff and fallen from its heights. The world is full of all kinds of people. Each of them plays a different role, some are beautiful, loving and supporting. And some of them have the role to act rashly, loudly, or badly. These are the countless oblivious, tortured, fly-stung, anxious people who will inevitably bump into me, sometimes literally. Their busy, distracted, loud and self-absorbed presence makes me painfully aware of the scope of suffering and unwitting ignorance that pervades the entire human race.  I have enormous compassion for them because in my current state of being I can see them and their pain so clearly. But I cannot help them now. I still have ice on my black eye. However, they cannot be permitted to run roughshod in my reality. I'm too open and raw to withstand their behavior.  Their hob-nail boots, coarse language and vampiristic tendencies can easily demolish me.

I feel like a new shoot that has tentatively unfurled its tiny leaves from the blasted landscape and is in great need of protection. There is no fence or little wire cage thoughtfully placed by a kindly gardener to safeguard my tender heart and mind. There may be one someday, but right now the perimeter of my inner landscape is wide open. Werewolves can easily get in and run roughshod through it. They can accost me with their howling and bite at me with their gnashing their teeth. They can cut and bruise me with heavy, clawed paws in their desperate attempt to share their pain, and to be seen and heard.  How can I go into the world when I am so utterly, tragically vulnerable to such unconscious and potentially hurtful energies? 

I've been relying on my guardians who surround and protect me when I am most vulnerable. You are one, in your angel form, Thor. Dad, Nana, Grandpa, your Aunties and Uncles, a few friends, they are all on guard to make sure I am safe while I heal - or to call on when there is an acute situation. How long before I feel I can handle the chopping cross-currents of an unpredictable world? How am I supposed to walk forward, into the work of rebuilding and resurrecting the new me when I know the cliffs are there, unmarked and waiting for my unsuspecting foot to step off of them?

Again, I find I solace, strength and sustenance as I turn to Grace. Pray for Grace to intercede to help me endure the unendurable. Pray for Grace to send a parachute or hang glider to help me land safely when I inevitably encounter a cliff. Pray for Grace to transform the werewolves into fuzzy golden retriever puppies that lick my face with kisses - and if they can't be turned into puppies, pray for Grace to take those werewolves far, far away. Pray for Grace to hold me close as I the world buffets me.  I fall on my fucking knees and pray for Grace like I've never prayed for anything before. Please let me heal, and in time, find joy again. Help me learn to live with the light of the love shining through me. Help me find the edges of all these pieces of me without too many disorienting tumbles into the abyss. Help me be fearless as I make my way toward conscious living and expanded awareness. I pray for Grace to help me select and place each new piece right where it needs to be so I may emerge from this experience anew with a greater capacity for love and joyful expression.

Please stick close by my side, Thor. This was a tough lesson to learn - that I don't have access to the skills I usually do to protect myself. It was a shock to encounter the brash worldly forces in their natural state of agitation, pain and need. It feels a little like a setback, and also a warning; be fearless, but don't be stupid. I hear you reminding me to call on my angels when shit goes sideways and that you will be there to make sure I have everything I need to return to safety. Some people might say that I need to close up a bit, not be so open and honest. But I can't do that. It would be a betrayal of where sorrow is leading me. It would be an untruth in the face of what I am learning, how I am becoming, through the experience of your death. 

It's up to all of us, Grace, You, Me and the trusted Guardians to see me through to what will be - and help define these new edges, these new boundaries inside of which I can heal and grow.

One breath, one moment, one day at a time.

I love you,

Mom