For Thor - 38 - You Live in a Smile

Yesterday, we marked twelve weeks since you died. A full moon rose red on the horizon and sailed high into the night sky. I couldn't help but think it was your moon, Thor. You were so present last night; in the silvery beams of light that cast purple shadows, in the frog song and the wind playing through the chimes outside my window.  The constellation formerly known as Orion, which I have renamed "Thor," was right above my head. All of this beauty danced around me on the outside, and when I closed my eyes to savor it, I could feel you warm and close in my heart.

The past couple of days has been hard as time drags me along inexorably toward some distant place across the sea of grief. There is a profound sadness that lingers just below the surface now - instead of being the first thing I see in the mirror. I've conjured up some semblance of normalcy to do what I need to do to live. But this grief is never far away, anyone who looks closely enough will see right through me; I am mostly a mirage.

I've been spending some time in Dillwyn while Chaz takes Driver's Ed classes. Sometimes I meet up with friends during those ninety minutes and sometimes I simply take a book and settle in at Frida's or Pino's with some supper and a glass of wine. Last night I hadn't made plans to meet anyone, so I was on my own. As luck would have it, I ran into a few of your young friends, Thor. And it was incredible.

Anyone who ever met you and received one of your dazzling smiles holds a memory of you that is sacred to me.  And you had friends of all ages and walks of life, but it’s the young ones who captivate me. When I see these people who were your chosen tribe, it's like a part of you is reflected back, alive and well in them. I find that I care even more now about their happiness and in how their young lives are unfolding. We will never get to share this experience, you and I.  Since you died, your friends have become a living extension of you. They hold a repository of memories and stories that keep you alive for all of us. This keen interest goes beyond the simple day to day of what they are doing. I want to see them soar as truly happy people. I want them to see that there is more to life than gossip and drama, that they are divine beings in a human body. I want them to see that they can live with the dignity of belonging to God.

Birthdays are coming and going, graduation is approaching, Easter and a summer full of lazy nights catfishing are on the horizon - all the million moments that you should be here sharing with all of us.  There is some measure of poignant joy in celebrating the achievements and milestones of your friends, Thor. But it is agonizing that you are not among us to celebrate in person.

You've been so close to me this week that when I ran into one young friend, in particular, it felt as if you were talking to her through me. There were so many stories of people telling me how you offered good advice when they needed it, that you were old beyond your years to have such insight and wisdom. So there I was, with you all around me, offering advice and cheering her on to embrace fearlessly a bright future. But this message isn't just for one person, is it, Thor? There is a fierceness and clarity to the message I am compelled to share with everyone:

Do what you want to do in life, don't chicken out. Challenge your fear. Life is short.

See your dream life in your mind clearly and then take one step toward it. Then another. Have faith in your vision.

Be your own best friend; listen to the dialogue in your head. Are you kind to yourself? Are you your best friend or worst critic?

Help someone other than yourself - every single day.

Love everyone, like Christ, does. For real. Everyone!

Life and love are messy and hard; it is meant to break us, so we learn to love more fully.

See the beauty in challenges that help you grow.

Forgive each other. Fallible humans will fuck up over and over again; it's what we do. Quit expecting perfection and Forgive already!

Find peace in every moment - no matter what you are doing - because this moment is all you have.

Let Joy into your life. Let it sing through all you do.

It gets awkward sometimes because every time I see one of your friends I want to scoop them up in my arms and hold them in a big hug and deliver these words directly to their hearts. I know that everyone must come to hear their truth through their experience, so I have to wait until those moments may arise. Losing you has pushed me to expand my maternal arms around a bigger bunch of kids. I am not sure how it all works, but here I am, loving you and loving them for loving you. They are part of my tribe, now. They are also part of your living legacy. Theirs are the lives you touched that will carry on, forever altered by the impact of your being. Your footsteps forever etched on each one of those hearts. How can I help but love them, too?

I love you,

Mom