For Thor - 58 - Be. Just Be.

The past week is full of intensity. Emotion, exhaustion, exploration, and expansion all played a role in the experience. We went on a camping trip with your brothers and your Starr as the seven-month mark of your death ticked past. We strolled on the boardwalk on a warm summer night, each of us enjoying the moment and each of us nursing the deep wound in our hearts; the wound inflicted by your profound absence from our daily lives.

By now I thought I'd have a better handle on what's happened and what it means for the family and me moving forward. But I don't, not really. I've learned to put on a good face and get out in the world more. I go to work, and somehow the memory of how to do my job controls my motions and speech. But I am not fully engaged in the action. My attention is still rooted in the bottom of this well of grief as if I am tethered here by a universal umbilical cord. My heart is still in the depths while my body begins to resume activity. I am slowly integrating back together, and as this process moves in its unstoppable pace, I will emerge from these bandages and out of the well with a new resolve. This work is in motion; the healing has begun. The transformation of me in the wake of your death will reveal something new and wondrous.

I had a conversation with the deepest parts of my subconscious mind the other day with the help of a hypnotherapist. We were on an explorative journey to get some clarity for me moving forward, seeing where I was blocking the natural, healing current of energy and how I can still keep my heart open when the world triggers the pain. It brought me great comfort to know that I've been listening to this voice for some time now. The insights and words of wisdom were shared more directly than I am accustomed to, but I felt a deep resonance with what I learned. After all, it came from my highest self and is intended for my highest good.

One of the best new tools I gained was a way to allow myself to experience the sorrow of your death in a realm of trust and love. There is a method of visualizing a wide hallway bathed in soft, white light. At the end of the hallways is a doorway emblazoned with the words "TRUST" and "Love". It is important to examine the qualities of the door. What kind of wood is it? How does the frame look? How do the words appear on the door? What color are they? What kind of letters are they? How does the handle look? How does it feel in my hand as I turn it to step through the door? Take some time to look around and feel the qualities of the space of Trust and Love. How does it feel, taste, look and smell? What do you I see? When I feel fully emersed in the experience of I let the sorrow expand and bloom. I allow the tears to come, I allow myself to feel the pain and breathe into it, much like labor pains and labor breathing when giving birth. As I breathe steadily, allowing the sorrow to express itself, I tune into the love that surrounds me there. I trust in its power to protect and sustain me, even when it is the greatness of this love that I have for you, Thor, is what allows for that spurs the agony of the sorrow. Now I can step back through the doorway and into a place of calmness and equanimity. In this way, when I encounter a triggering event, I can stop and allow myself to sink into sorrow as deeply as I need to go. This is so critical to healing as it allows the emotional body to express itself in a safe and healthy way. I can breathe into the total trust and love that surrounds me in this space. I can then visualize stepping out of the sorrow surrounded and strengthened by a cloud of trust and love and back into the world. 

Triggering events are sneaky ambushers, so it's great to have a tool I can use anywhere. The exercise takes a few minutes to do, and I can step into a powder room or adjoining office or even out to my car for a short break while I work through the moment.

Yesterday I had a long conversation with your brothers about the hypnosis session and what I learned. There was so much rich information that ranged from the specific directives (stop drinking coffee, limit to one glass of wine a day, taking certain vitamins, etc.) to some very high-level life purpose kinds of things. I feel better about my place in this story, now. I understand more about how I am supposed to be and how that is so much more important that what I do. As you well know, I am a chronic Do-er. I am shifting into being a Be-er. It's quite a change for me, and it would explain why I can't get any mental traction behind DOING anything. It's not time yet. I need to gain some steadiness in being a BE-er. To support this BE-ing state I prescribed myself a few things: a simple, consistent Yoga practice that includes Japa Yoga, Pranayama and Hatha Yoga. One direct quote from the audiotape of the reading captures the overall theme, "Cultivate a sense of BEING that allows for a greater experience of LOVE. The state of Being under all action is all that is important. Shift away from doing to being."

I was a little perplexed at this notion at first, unsure how I am supposed to live when I am resolutely trying not to DO anything. I don't have to worry about it. I just have to "Show up with an empty cup. See what gets filled up." In other words, don't worry about all that. The path that opens up before me will have its calling and each moment its perfect actions. I don't have to plan them out or worry about them. I also learned that I don't have to be too concerned about knowing my direction out of all this. I am still in a state of confusion for a purpose. I am a chronic Do-er after all. And if I have a clear direction, I will go. And do. With zeal. Because that's what I know. I am being kept in a cloudy space so I can learn to BE, better, I'll emerge slowly.  Similar to how you slowly unwind bandages off a burn patient.

I admit it's hard to focus on the golden rays of light and silver linings that shine forth from the dark cloud of your death. How can I find beauty in such a horrible tragedy? The beauty is in my heart as it is cracked open for the light to shine forth. The beauty is in the love I feel for you that grows every day and overflows through my eyes and into the world as I gaze upon it. The beauty is in allowing this mother's broken heart to bleed the tears of sorrow that are good and right. The beauty is in stepping into the Grace of God and feeling that blessing each moment, even as I miss your smiling face and bright eyes.

I know I have only to think your name, and you are here with me. I feel the weight of your arm on my shoulder and I know you are holding me close, under your wing. I am grateful for the little messages and signs you send; they keep hope alive when grief threatens to choke me out.

All that matters is love. 

I love you, 

Mom