For Thor - 60 - Phoenix Rising

Well, Bubby. I feel better. Nothing a good rant and angry fist-shaking at The Fates to clear my mind. You rolled through it with me, my stalwart and steady champion. I'm glad I can write these things to you, wherever you are because the intensity of my emotional roller coaster is too much for most folks to take.

Anger is good in small doses and short bursts. When anger rises, it is highly concentrated and laser-focused which, while scary and intense, is good. I can let it rip, and it doesn't end up spewing forth at the wrong time on the wrong person. I can feel you right next to me, shaking your fist and saying "Yeah, what she said!" I'm angry because I love you so much, you know. Anger is a direct reactive state to being hurt, and I am deeply wounded down to my very core. When I yell at God or Death or Fate or even at you, Thor, it's like opening a valve for a white-hot force to blast up and from the bottomless deep. It gives voice to the fathomless, most painful anguish and burns away that which no longer serves. It may not be the gentlest experience, but it's authentic, real and ultimately rooted in Love. And it can be scary.



But that was a few days ago. My spiky red aura has settled back to reflect a calmer state in lovely shades of sapphire and turquoise. I am a phoenix rising out of the ashes of Anger-fire. I feel edgeless and free as I continue to explore what it means to cultivate a state of BEING that allows for a greater experience of love. This is the ultimate work, the soul-work, that we are doing together. I am grateful to all that is in and around me that helps me expand, explore and express and ride these waves of grief, love, anger, sorrow and joy, in turn.

The other work is the ongoing reconciliation of the higher understanding of BEING and LOVE and this mama's broken heart. Each day, you and I have a little chat - or ten - as I work my way toward integrating my spirit knowing with the part of me that is still a profoundly sad mom whose lost her beloved son.

I used my new visualization tool to help with this. It works great, not only for when I feel triggered but for connecting with you at will. As I get better at it, it's easier just to reach out with my heart-voice and talk to you. And you're always right here. All I have to do is think your name, and you're here. We are connected by a greater Love than we know.

There is nothing fair about the death of a child from the perspective of a parent. It is the absolute worst nightmare. Realizing that good things can arise out of the fallout is hard to do at first. But it is inevitable for me that positivity, personal growth, expansion of awareness and a better understanding of my place in all this is what I am gaining. Even when I tell Death to fuck-off, it's perfect and beautiful. Authentic expression (in thought, word or deed) will lead me to find the gems of Truth, Love, Peace and Joy that were hidden in the rubble inside. They are here inside of me. I pluck them from the ashes and hold them up to the light that shines from that part of me that is God. I may never have found them if not for the devastation of your death. That tragic event blew everything away leaving the edges of these gems exposed and waiting for a glimmer of light to spark them to life.

So, I have become a miner in search of the best treasure - everlasting Truth, Love, Peace, and Joy. It's all inside already. All I have to do is BE still and SEE. 

No doubt anger and I will dance our fiery Tango again, but that's a sacred part of this journey, too, Thor.

I love you,
Mom