As a phoenix rises out of the flames and ashes of its former self, there are updrafts, backdrafts, and downdrafts that alter the line of her flight to the stars. It's a circuitous route marked by drastic rises and falls in altitude and wild trajectories. I wasn’t expecting this, but I'm not surprised. Nothing about this journey is ordinary, so I've set no expectations for normalcy. I am firmly rooted in living an extraordinary existence, completely altered and new. It's so new; there are no maps, only the moment and what's happening now can guide me.
Something big clicked into place in the past two weeks. Something truly extraordinary. You see ever since you died on the road that horrible night, I continually reach out with my heart's voice or a tendril of thought longing to find you. There was a sense of desperation to these queries like I wasn't sure if you'd be there. I didn't know if I would reach out one time and find you gone, for good this time. Gone completely, as in never feeling your presence around me again leaving me with a handful of dusty memories that fade like old photographs. This fear of losing you, totally, was a big blocker for me getting back to work and stepping into life with zeal and passion. I was scared shitless that if I turned my attention too intently, or for too long, away from my sense of your spirit being that you would vanish into the ether forever. I felt it was my energetic focus upon you and our new relationship that held it in place. Without my effort, you would slip away to places where I could no longer sense you. No wonder I felt blocked!
One day I was crying my eyes out, my morning tea had gone cold and the day's schedule abandoned as a downdraft sent me sailing into the dark, depths of sorrow. Grief and fear had its grip on me again. Thankfully, I remembered the visualization which allows me to feel these feelings in a safe place of trust and love. I beat my metaphorical wings against the current of fear as I mentally recreated that hallway with the two doors; one door labeled Fear and Doubt, the other labeled Trust and Love. I calmed my breath and focused on the doors. I mentally moved toward the doors and reached out with my hand to open the door to Trust and Love. I stepped in. As my breathing slowed and the restriction on my chest lifted, I settled deeper and deeper into this space. I can experience sorrow here, and it doesn't wreck me. But best of all, you are right there! I heard your actual voice and felt your presence so strong and clear that I was taken aback, at first. You reminded me that all I have ever to do is just think your name, and you are there for me. You also invited me to consider LIVING from this space of trust and love. I don't have to leave through the door back into the hallway, back to living out of my head or worry.
You are with me, alongside me, guiding, helping and talking to me continuously. I feel this so clearly that I'm able to turn my mental attention to pick up some of the threads of my professional life. I don't have to worry about connecting with you anymore. Our connection is permanent, one that is defined by Love and that can never be broken or diminished no matter what plays out here on Earth. It's amazing how light and free I feel. Each day I step on the rebuilt foundations and walkways of my inner landscape, and I find they can bear my weight again. They don't wobble or threaten to tip me off into the sea of grief anymore. I still cry, often. The tears that fall are an expression of love and sometimes poignant sorrow, not pain or fear. At least not very much. And if I do lose my footing and the sea of grief threatens to take me down, I know that you are here to pluck me from the icy water and set me safely on the shore.
Something big clicked into place in the past two weeks. Something truly extraordinary. You see ever since you died on the road that horrible night, I continually reach out with my heart's voice or a tendril of thought longing to find you. There was a sense of desperation to these queries like I wasn't sure if you'd be there. I didn't know if I would reach out one time and find you gone, for good this time. Gone completely, as in never feeling your presence around me again leaving me with a handful of dusty memories that fade like old photographs. This fear of losing you, totally, was a big blocker for me getting back to work and stepping into life with zeal and passion. I was scared shitless that if I turned my attention too intently, or for too long, away from my sense of your spirit being that you would vanish into the ether forever. I felt it was my energetic focus upon you and our new relationship that held it in place. Without my effort, you would slip away to places where I could no longer sense you. No wonder I felt blocked!
One day I was crying my eyes out, my morning tea had gone cold and the day's schedule abandoned as a downdraft sent me sailing into the dark, depths of sorrow. Grief and fear had its grip on me again. Thankfully, I remembered the visualization which allows me to feel these feelings in a safe place of trust and love. I beat my metaphorical wings against the current of fear as I mentally recreated that hallway with the two doors; one door labeled Fear and Doubt, the other labeled Trust and Love. I calmed my breath and focused on the doors. I mentally moved toward the doors and reached out with my hand to open the door to Trust and Love. I stepped in. As my breathing slowed and the restriction on my chest lifted, I settled deeper and deeper into this space. I can experience sorrow here, and it doesn't wreck me. But best of all, you are right there! I heard your actual voice and felt your presence so strong and clear that I was taken aback, at first. You reminded me that all I have ever to do is just think your name, and you are there for me. You also invited me to consider LIVING from this space of trust and love. I don't have to leave through the door back into the hallway, back to living out of my head or worry.
You are with me, alongside me, guiding, helping and talking to me continuously. I feel this so clearly that I'm able to turn my mental attention to pick up some of the threads of my professional life. I don't have to worry about connecting with you anymore. Our connection is permanent, one that is defined by Love and that can never be broken or diminished no matter what plays out here on Earth. It's amazing how light and free I feel. Each day I step on the rebuilt foundations and walkways of my inner landscape, and I find they can bear my weight again. They don't wobble or threaten to tip me off into the sea of grief anymore. I still cry, often. The tears that fall are an expression of love and sometimes poignant sorrow, not pain or fear. At least not very much. And if I do lose my footing and the sea of grief threatens to take me down, I know that you are here to pluck me from the icy water and set me safely on the shore.
What's even more amazing is that as I learn steadiness in Being a BE-er (not a Do-er), I have greater access to and understanding of how we are all connected. All of us; you, me, your dad, your brothers, our family, friends, county, country, nation, globe, and the universe. From this state of Being, doing is almost effortless. The way unfolds before me as I root myself in the experience of this extraordinary life and the Love that binds us. The "to-do list" of the day is one that comes from the Divine, revealed before me like a rose opening, petal by petal. I just have to show up, with my empty cup. It runneth over with Grace.
I am so grateful.
I am so grateful.
I love you,
Mom
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