For Thor - 17 - Wolf

Moonstruck is one of my favorite movies for many reasons, not the least of which is that love always wins. I also adore the part where Nick Cage's character, Ronnie Cammareri, laments about his ruined life because his fingers got cut off in a slicer after which his fiancé left him. He blamed his brother, Johnny, for this for years since Johnny was there talking to Ronnie when it happened. Cher's character, Loretta Castorini, has a heart to heart with Ronnie to try to convince him to forgive "the bad blood" and come to the wedding - her wedding - to Johnny. She points out to Ronnie that he actually sliced off his own fingers. Like a wolf caught in a trap, he chewed off his own foot to escape the trap of marrying the wrong woman. She points out that the part of him that is a wolf is not afraid to do what is needed to keep him from falling into the wrong life situation. He has to live with knowing that a big part of him is a wolf that could do that. He's lived in fear, cowering before his own strength, knowing and potential for years. Happily, love awakens him.

Thoughts, even those silent, subconscious thoughts, create our reality. I'm supposed to be living a purpose-driven life. Instead, I stalled out in a twilit land living a quasi-life. I've set-up housekeeping here, put up drapes and dusted the nik-naks. This is not how to live up to the highest calling. I've been asleep at the switch and on cruise, denying a host of signs and invitations to move to higher understanding. I've consciously avoided or minimized change, purpose and growth in favor of busyness. I lost the drive and fearlessness for living authentically in favor of living comfortably. I've strayed far from the path of auspiciousness and truth and have caused pain to others along the way in my cowardice and apathy.

It was going to take something really big to blow this interior castle of bullshit to smithereens and then demand of me…what the fuck are you doing here? Remember! I have been given the wake-up call to trump all wake-up calls…my son is dead. And on some cosmic level, because I don't believe that Life just happens to any of us - I am integral to this storyline.

I could take this assessment and sink into a good long bout of abject self-loathing. That would probably feel better, and certainly easier, than what I'm being awakened to do. I can't change the past, worrying over that is just a waste of time. I need to find forgiveness within myself for myself for having fallen into this trap built of my own short-comings. We are only given that which is of ultimate benefit to us - that which will bring us closer to each other, closer to God. That is the whole purpose of life here, everything that occurs does so to return us to that awareness. It is all purposeful, even if it is painful. The most painful things may be the most purposeful of all, actually. If I am willing to lean into this pain to seek the truth and express it in my life then I can merge into that purpose.

All of us who love you, Thor, have been hit by dynamite and a big-ass wrecking ball. The castle walls are down. They lay in rubble all around. All the demons that lived in the castle are running wild and wreaking havoc. I am hurt, bleeding and bewildered in this fall-out, as are your dad and brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. I'm still in triage, nursing the acute agony of my wounds. But even now, my heart is scanning this interior landscape for clues on what's to be done to regain the right road - The Road to Truth. I'll not be rebuilding the walls with these same stones in this same place.

Each day since you died, I pray for Grace to intercede and make bearable that which cannot be borne. Today I am adding a prayer for courage and empathy; courage to face what has been and what must be and empathy to move with kind awareness of my fellow travelers on this horrific road. We are all being called to change and grow. This is scary as shit. We are already nerve-wracked and tired, but we Cant. Stay. Here. There is nothing left of the old life, the old me, the old us that was here before you died. It's gone. We have to pick up the only pieces that matter - our love for each other - and move along. We have to leave the rest behind.

I love you,
Mom