For Thor - 21 - Believe

I am consciously trying to stay in touch with you. I pay attention to the little signs and senses that there is more going on than what is happening on the surface. It's in this subliminal layer, shimmering beneath the outer shell of this reality, that our angels can talk to us.

Yesterday was a day full of messages. All morning, I felt extra raw. I cried at any moment and was just deeply missing you. This stretched out across the whole day as Dad and I moved through the motions of a Sunday at home. But it was a special Sunday and I missed you even more keenly. Dad and I worked together to make some shareable snacks and went to watch the Super Bowl at Radha and Dick's house. When we got there, I found out that others felt the same way all day; like you were really close, but still far away. It's like I can smell a delicious dish of food, but I cannot see, touch nor taste it. Your presence is relegated to the more ethereal senses. This is frustrating as hell, to not hear your voice, or hug you or feed you or dance with you in the kitchen.

I have to train my senses anew to be able to tune in to where you are. It's only fitting, I suppose that you send messages using music and media to reach out and touch our hearts.

Message #1 - Love.

The football game was really good (mainly because the Broncos won!), but it was the halftime show that got me. As Super Bowl halftimes go, it was a truly atypical attempt to pull together the past, present and future. It boldly blended genres and all but sang Cumbaya to us in a message of unity and peace. Then the fans in the stadium raised their colored cards in unison to create a visual message for us all unified multicolored, multifaith world to see. "Believe in Love," it said.

Love is what my lifelines are made of, Thor. Love for you. Love for your Dad and brothers. Love for family and friends. Love for the world. Love, pure and unqualified. Yes, I believe in that. Tears of sorrow flowed when that message appeared, but also with a little joy. Believe in Love is a strong message of hope and happiness and I felt your presence so strongly in it. You delivered straight to my heart.

Message #2 - Yeah, it sucks. It's okay to miss me.

Later when we headed home, I got in my car and was immediately hit with Cole Swindell's song You Should Be Here. It's really hard to drive with tears streaming down my face. Yes, my sweet boy, I wholly agree with Cole on this one:

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here.
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y'all it's sure been a good year.
It's one of those moments, that's got your name written all over it.
And you know that if I had just one wish it'd be that you didn't have to miss this.
Aw you should be here.
You'd be loving this, you'd be freaking out, you'd be smiling, yeah
I know you'd be all about what's going on right here right now.
God I wish somehow you could be here.
Oh, you should be here.
Yeah this is one of those moments that's got your name written all over it
And you know that if I have just one wish it'd be that you didn't have to miss this.
Aw you should be here.
You should be here.

I really felt like this message was you acknowledging to me that your death really was a shitty accident. Bad things do happen to good people.  It's okay for me to mourn and wail when I need to. And yes, you should be here!

Message #3 - I'm sorry.

Then, you woke me up this morning at 4:42 with the sound of Adele singing Hello. I have to admit to being a little amused at your choice of harbinger since I don't really hear this song much in daily life, nor is one that you would have put in a playlist. I only heard part of the song. This was more than a mere earworm because I truly felt you sing it to me, waking me out of a dead sleep. I sobbed silently in the dark before dawn, at the same time of day that you were born. I felt your big angel wings settle around me in comfort. Tears pooled in my ears as grief ripped my heart wide open, again.

Hello from the other side
I must have called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home
Hello from the outside
At least, I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart

Oh, Thor! I hear you telling me you're sorry. I know that my sorrow and all the suffering causes you remorse. I want to tell you I'm the sorry one. I'm so sorry that your life is over. I'm so sorry that I couldn't prevent your death. I am so very, very sorry that you won't get to share the myriad moments of life with your brothers and dad and all your family and friends. That you'll miss out on so much. That we'll never get to know how full your life would be. And you had such a beautiful life, such a beautiful mind and a strong, capable body and a huge helping heart. In my mind's eye, I kiss you on the forehead and place a hand over your sweet heart. I'm sorry, baby boy.

Message #4 - Believe!

One more time I felt and heard you as I drifted back to sleep. Your voice was clear as a bell… "Mama, I'm okay. Believe in Love! I'm here, in Love." 

I woke this morning with a tear-stained face, and with hope budding in my heart.

Okay, baby. I hear you. I believe.

I love you,
Mom