For Thor - 10 - Jumbled

Jumbled.  I am a mixed bag of nearly every possible human emotion today; deep sadness, anger, longing, sorrow, joy, hope, love. They are so numerous and they move so quickly through my being that my nerves feel like they are literally shaking. The hairs on my arms and legs are like trip wires every sensation setting them off. I want the parakeets to shut the fuck up. Their cheerful twittering is a garish invasion of my sensory boundaries. My arms and legs feel weighted like I am swimming in peanut butter. I have a constant headache, right in the middle of my forehead. This is the physical story of grief. It fucking wrings me out.

It also opens my heart in unimaginable ways. I am being transformed in this crucible. Thank God and Grace, I have some tools to help me endure what apparently cannot be avoided.

Meditation is good, I sink into quiet contemplation often. It is here that I get sense higher purpose, order, peace and sometimes, a whiff of joy. I take deep healing breaths; when I can suck the wind all the way down to the bottom of my lungs. If I'm not mindful, it gets hung up in my throat and turns into a half-choked sigh, but I keep at it. The breath moves energy through my system. I move my body through a simple series of Yoga poses to further help disperse and release the pain of sorrow. It helps me find a measure of steadiness, some footing where I might rest and gain some strength. Then I write. And cry. And I ride these waves of intense feeling.

Life marches on, the beat never slows, never pauses. Even for something as life-shattering as you dying, it never paused. Not even for a second. I still don't understand that one, but here we are.

Today is Chaz's seventeenth birthday. It's also your sweet Grandpa's 70th birthday. We are planning to have a party to celebrate life; these lives. The specter of your passing lingers here so strongly, still, that it's going to take some work to pull this off. We need to sever the sadness and mourning from shadowing Chaz's birthday. It's so damn close in time that it will be difficult. I want him to know that even while I mourn you, that I have not forgotten him. And that he is celebrated, joyfully, on his birthday with my whole heart.

We have cause to celebrate and we will celebrate, with joyful abandon both Chaz and Xan and all the milestones, achievements, and markers that they will see in their lives.

Your brother, especially, is going to miss you today although I doubt he will say anything. You know how sweet, sensitive and empathetic he is, I can sense him apologizing for having a birthday at such a bad time. I can see it in his eyes, he is deeply affected by your death. Hurt and wondering how we will go on with this new family dynamic. You've left a void, darling. One that Chaz will grow into making his own mark; the second-born, middle child will become the eldest. You will always be the first, Thor, but you are forever nineteen, frozen in time. Your thread was cut short while the rest of us move along. In two short years, Chaz will be older than you ever will be.

The good news is that we have found someone for them to talk to; a friend, who lost an eighteen-year-old brother when he was twelve has offered to spend some time with Chaz and Xan. In the meantime, maybe you could spend a little extra Angel energy hanging around your brothers? Teenage boys are not known for open conversations, especially about feelings. And more especially when those feelings are really intense.

Dad and I are doing okay. We each have our process for dealing with this, but we are finding each other in moments here and there where we simply hold hands and cry a while. Being snowed in together has been really good for helping us find some connection. Some space to mourn and share together.

You know, I still can't believe you're gone. I keep waiting for you to come through the door looking for something to eat and to have a chat with Mom, some new big idea on your mind that you want to test out on me. I wish you were here to celebrate the birthdays with us. I just plain wish you were here, dammit.

Here we go, again. Cry.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Think of Chaz-o and his birthday.

Smile.

Yeah, totally fucking jumbled. 

I love you, 

Mom