For Thor - 13 - Biggest Big

I went for a long walk through unbroken snow yesterday. The sun was bright and the sky offered a beautiful display of clouds that danced across that blue expanse. The wind gently tugged at my scarf and kissed my cheek. I was pulled by a deep need to find some high spot along the road where I could see the rolling lay of the land. I was called to stand on the same ground as you did on your last day. You know where, coming up the trail from the creek, right where Chaz came to "rescue" you and Travis after you two knuckleheads had been "lost" on a long hike in search of a deer.

Home is my restful cave, a sanctuary to recuperate and reflect. Nature is where I am able to move and shift these heavy feelings as I work through them. I told Aunt Lakshmi how all I want to do is lay on a beach and soak up the sun and let the ocean absorb my tears and pain. The ocean is big. A beach is big. A wide open sky is big. I need big nature where I can wail from the depths of my soul and it doesn’t feel overwhelming. If I do that in the house it's too contained, the energy bounces off the walls, echoing and reverberating endlessly. So I seek big nature. On some days, I need the Biggest Big Nature I can find. I would go to the moon and pour this anguish out into the deep abyss of space and let Mars and Jupiter know just what it means to be a human mother.

Eventually, I found that spot where I could see over the hills and the creek valley that is your backyard. I felt you so close there in that moment. So, we had a chat, didn't we? I wailed to the cloud-studded sky, to the sun-dazzled snow; to you.

I would like to have been able to say goodbye to you. I mean if this was really the deal we made, and clearly it was, then it seems only fair that I would be allowed a chance to say," Oh, is it time for that already?" I wish I could have known that you were going on a really, really long trip. And that I would be put on a new road; a new journey, as well. I would have stopped what I was doing, wiped my hands on a tea towel and taken a moment to look deep into your eyes where our souls could see each other. I would hold your sweet face in my hands and kiss your brow and tell you how very much I love you. I would ask if I could pack you a lunch because that's what mothers do when our kids go on long trips. You would remind me that it is okay, even if it sucks epically, and that this is all part of a greater Life Plan. (Who the fuck thinks up plans like this, huh?) We would know with a deep understanding that we'll see each other again, sometime down the road. That the anguish won't last forever, although the transformation will.

We are in this together, Thor. I would not be walking this road if not for your death. You are complicit in this current state of things. As souls that have work to do together, I hold you to the contract of our partnership, sweetheart. You may be a badass angel, but I am still your mom until I depart this life, dammit! I hope that you don't leave us too quickly in search of new adventures. Walk this road with me as my angel guide. Let me feel you near when I have to navigate the rough patches along the way. Let me feel you near when there is joy, again. Walk this road with your brothers and your dad, too. We all need you to help us with this sudden plot twist that has left us all bewildered and unsure.

All this I said, and more. Then I closed my eyes and waited. I heard you in the wind and felt you in the warm sun that dried my tears. You're here with me, with us, for the long haul. Your love is all around me, every moment. Have faith.

I'm glad we found time and a place to talk, Thor.

I love you,
Mom