For Thor - 3 - Love

I’m not angry today, what a relief. That really sucked, yesterday. Today I feel a deep well of gratitude and love rising up in my heart. It must be you, sweetheart, wrapping me up in some big ass angel wings. I am really grateful for this because my heart is shattered and scattered. There are pieces of me all over the place.

The corporeal mom, the one that lives here on this planet -- living and breathing and suffering -- is churning through turbulent waters. The good news is that I have charted a course across this raging and unpredictable sea of grief. I am headed for a shore that promises to reconcile the disparate parts of me. That shore is Love.

The winds howl and the swells threaten to capsize my little vessel, but I will get there. Likely I’ll be a bit battered and will have tattered sails, but I will find that shore. That Love. I will find you.

The deepest part of me, the part that knows The Infinite, is really good. It is here that I feel you - connected to me, connected to all of us. It’s hard to stay here all the time because the other part of me is in so much pain and suffering.

For today, I am grateful to be smothered in wings of pure love that emanates from you and the love we share. A calm has descended over me to offer a respite from the intensity of this journey. I truly feel all the love and prayers and connections that have been awakened since you left our physical realm. It is astonishing and awesome to behold.

A heart, cracked open, can let love flow and shine so much more freely and brightly. It is the biggest gift of a tragic sacrifice like yours. It is a tough one to accept when I am split between grieving a mother’s loss and stepping into the work of the soul.  Since your physical death, I feel there is a challenge laid before us - to awaken and see our true reason for being here. It is simply to Love All. To live my life’s purpose here, I must be brave and recognize this heart-shattering gift. I must pick it up and accept it. Any mission or challenge that is so important that it required the life of my son to wake me up has my full fucking attention.

I wrote a poem several years ago that I reworked it a bit. I feel emboldened to find the way through this to where you ARE.

Vulnerable. Shattered. Willing. Here. Cracked open. I love you, Thor.

My heart is cracked open

In the jaws of your death,

This heart bleeds the ichor of a mother’s grief.

Anger and anguish are flushed away on a wave of sacred tears

I lay upon the altar of my surrender.

Face down and stripped bare before God;

Who touches me upon my furrowed brow

and knows the depth of my suffering.

My clenched fists slowly unfurl into praying hands

As a desert flower in opens in the rain

Divine Grace radiates into the hole in my heart

It is a cooling salve to smooth

the broken bits, the shards, the rubble

Of my human frailty.

There is hope here.  A softness that I melt into and breathe.

No wracking sobs of agony and emptiness.

This is the breath of Peace.

I am loved.  I am Forgiven;

I hear your voice encouraging me. Assuring me;

Do not cower before your potential.

Love all.  Be bold. I will help you.

I must leave the notion of separation behind

On the altar of surrender.

It cannot carry me to where you are.

This heart is cracked open.

Grace pours in.

It sings;

Be Lived!.