This shit is deep, Thor. The currents here are deep and wide, slow-moving and powerful. These are not the choppy waves at the surface of this sea of grief. I am sinking into new levels, closer to the heart of the matter.
There is a lot of suffering here. Everything is exposed and everything is moving. Nothing will ever be the same, again.
This is one scary-ass notion. Fear causes suffering.
I sometimes don't want to expose and feel all these emotions. I don't want to admit you are dead. Resistance causes suffering.
I am wracked with guilt for not doing a better job as your mom and protector. Guilt causes suffering.
I am to blame, even if my logical mind knows there is no one to blame. Blame causes suffering.
Gradually and sometimes with excruciating slowness, these deep currents push me into these painful places. They say this is a natural part of grief, to confront one's own inner blocks. They say that all my "stuff" will surface. I think of a seawall where waves crash against it and are amplified to great heights when they hit that resistance.
Well, Thor, I have a good raging sea crashing the shit out of about a dozen seawalls all at once. Deep currents push and pull me in many directions at once. It is spectacular and exhausting. The spiritual teachings I've been given are helping me pray for and access the tools to dismantle these blocks - Grace being the main one. I pray hard for Grace to intercede. This is so deep and so wide I must have help. Help has come. I am not alone in navigating these tractor-beam currents that could easily destroy me.
I had a great spark of clarity this morning. Suffering is not the same as Sorrow. Sorrow feels good somehow. It's right and appropriate for me to feel deep sorrow. It hurts deeply, but it's the same way it hurts when a broken bone knits back together. It's a healing hurt. I can feel you and the love for you in this sorrowful place. When I am caught in a suffering current there is only agony which causes more damage, and worse, I do not feel you close, at all.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
I sometimes don't want to expose and feel all these emotions. I don't want to admit you are dead. Resistance causes suffering.
I am wracked with guilt for not doing a better job as your mom and protector. Guilt causes suffering.
I am to blame, even if my logical mind knows there is no one to blame. Blame causes suffering.
Gradually and sometimes with excruciating slowness, these deep currents push me into these painful places. They say this is a natural part of grief, to confront one's own inner blocks. They say that all my "stuff" will surface. I think of a seawall where waves crash against it and are amplified to great heights when they hit that resistance.
Well, Thor, I have a good raging sea crashing the shit out of about a dozen seawalls all at once. Deep currents push and pull me in many directions at once. It is spectacular and exhausting. The spiritual teachings I've been given are helping me pray for and access the tools to dismantle these blocks - Grace being the main one. I pray hard for Grace to intercede. This is so deep and so wide I must have help. Help has come. I am not alone in navigating these tractor-beam currents that could easily destroy me.
I had a great spark of clarity this morning. Suffering is not the same as Sorrow. Sorrow feels good somehow. It's right and appropriate for me to feel deep sorrow. It hurts deeply, but it's the same way it hurts when a broken bone knits back together. It's a healing hurt. I can feel you and the love for you in this sorrowful place. When I am caught in a suffering current there is only agony which causes more damage, and worse, I do not feel you close, at all.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
My earnest prayer is that we will all be free from suffering. That we will all be free to feel that sweet sorrow as we mourn your death. And that we will all awaken in a state of Grace and be filled with Peace as we take steps forward on that new day with you ever in our hearts, dear boy.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
My earnest prayer is that we will all be free from suffering. That we will all be free to feel that sweet sorrow as we mourn your death. And that we will all awaken in a state of Grace and be filled with Peace as we take steps forward on that new day with you ever in our hearts, dear boy.
With all my love,
Mom
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